I was actually born in the spring. I grew up in Washington D.C. and I know all the words to “Hail to the Redskins.”[*] I am, sadly, the third of eight children. No, my family was neither Mormon nor Catholic. We’re mostly WASA (White Anglo-Saxon Atheist), though our DNA clearly has more in common with rabbits than most atheist families. There are multiple marriages and divorces among my parental units – while I’ve got seven siblings related to me by blood, I’ve also got step-siblings, ex-step-siblings, former step-parents with step-children not related to me, blah, blah, blah. My oldest brother made a nice PowerPoint presentation of all the relations for his wife when he got married. Sadly, it’s already out of date. That’s the problem with rabbits.
ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE
No one is identified by their real name in my blog. Yeah, the whole thing could be made up (like I could make this shit up). I’ve no plans to use real names until all my relatives are dead so they won’t kill me. It also took me years to find a guy as fantastic as Not-Andy, and I don’t want to offend him or his family unless he turns into a cheating bastard. (I know you’re going to sneak a look at this someday, Andy. You’ve been warned.) Plus, I’ll probably make fun of various bosses and the entertainment industry in general.
ABOUT THE TIMING
This is a mostly a memoir blog. The first hundred or so entries were originally emails I sent to my friend (we’ll call her “M”) when I first met Andy’s family. (Some, like my second post, contain interactions and dialogue I was too mortified to record until recently.) Since I like my stories linear and I was a history major, I’m starting with the past. If I type really, really fast, and get lots of positive reinforcement, I might catch up to current events. (Look! I also write fantasy.)
ABOUT HOW AUTUMN FLED TO LA AND NEVER LEFT
I went to a program three thousand miles away from D.C. to keep all my sisters from stealing my boyfriends. Yes, ALL my sisters. Even the baby sister once charmed my high school crush into ditching me to have a tea party in her gingerbread playhouse. I graduated summa cum laude with multiple useless majors, and no job prospects — but without having a single boyfriend jacked. So I stayed in L.A., rescued some cats, and took up dancing. I worked as an executive assistant at a production company to support my cats and dance habit. My little apartment served as a hotel for various sisters’ successes:
Genius Judgmental Doctor Sister: “I passed the MCATs! I’m going to Disneyland!” (Like it was ever in doubt.)
Brilliant Blonde Lawyer Sister: “I passed the bar in two states! I’m going to Disneyland!” (Even less of a shock.)
Gorgeous Skinny Singing Sister: “I got the lead in high school musical at age 15! Screw Disneyland, I’ve got a thong bikini and Rollerblades!” (And I got a sore throat from screaming, “Eyes front! She’s only twelve!” at lecherous older men.)
Boyfriend-Stealing Baby Sister: “We won the National Cup! I’m going to Disneyland!” (She had blast. I puked after two rounds of the stupid teacups.)
Pretty Space Cadet Sister (there’s one in every family, right?): “I got pregnant by an ex-con! Let’s go to Disneyland and celebrate!”
Because I lived in LA and had opposable thumbs, I wrote screenplays. They won some awards. No one bought them. Being both pig-headed and a fast typist, I turned one into a novel. Maybe someday you’ll buy it.
[*]Yes, Snyder is a jerk and the name should be changed and I will happily learn new lyrics.
27 thoughts on “About Autumn”
Yes! I liked this a lot. I’m looking forward to hearing more about this fascinating cast of characters.
Thank you, Nicki! I am honored. You’re one of the original unicorns. 🙂
Hi Autumn! Just wanted to say I LOVE YOUR BLOG and as soon as I stumbled upon it I was hooked and plowed through all of your posts. Your writing is hilarious and I love hearing about your cultural clashes and other stories. You have a great voice and you’re simply hilarious. Keep it up!
Oh, that is so nice! Thank you so much. I laughed over yours as well, but I don’t think I’ve gotten through a quarter of it. And I’m scared to comment, as I am sure I am going to ask a question that was already answered. You know I am going to be digging through all the relationship blogs first!
Love this! Keep it up 😀
Aw! Thanks. You must keep writing also. I think I snorted water out of my nose when I read this post of yours:
The make-up trials, the PA system…hilarious.
Me likey … vuja de.
Oh my gosh…. this is hilarious! Having been involved as it was happening it is a riot to hear what was really going on! 🙂 (your writing is magnificent… no surprise there)
Miss Kathy, nice of you to visit! I was clearly more discreet at the time than I thought, if you are only learning the behind the scenes stuff now. Wait until we get to the missing moose. 🙂
I love this! Your life sounds so much fun. Please keep sharing your stories with us 😉
Thanks, Marghini! It’s funny NOW, I suppose, but at the time some of it was just mortifying and miserable. But I love that the Love Blender stopped by!
You forgot, there’s only one sister with a wicked sense of humor who writes pure wit.
Thanks, BAP! Most of my sibs share the wicked (some would say black) sense of humor, at least.
I have a feeling that I am going to like your blog!!!!The one post that I read was hilarious.
Aw! Thank you so much! I am honored that you stopped by. And left comments, precious comments!
And I’ll seriously comment on every single thing I read because I just can’t help it. Me not sorry. //Slapped.
Anyway, this ABOUT section was brilliant. I have one question: what would you describe yourself as? I mean, you called your sisters things like “Genius Doctor Judgemental sis” and such, so what would you call yourself, so that the picture is complete? xD
Oh, GOOD question. I picked the pseudonym of Autumn because it’s my favorite season. But if I had to give myself a moniker as harshly descriptive as the rest of my family? Messed-Up Middle Child, probably.
Hey there! I nominated you for a Blogger Recognition Award! Find out more here http://www.twoamericansinchina.com/2016/01/blogger-recognition-award.html
Good writing style, white girl (says the Americanized Asian man)
I like this! I like, no love, a wonderful sense of funny… you have it. I am subscribing… found you at Kate’s blog.
I lived in LA from 1994 to 1998. My two older kids were born there. Too bad we didn’t overlap!
Yes, Snyder needs to go. I grew up in Silver Spring, MD. It has changed a lot now from what it was even 15 years ago. Your blog is very fascinating. First-timer here…
Thank you, and thank you for visiting. Yes, it’s weird and sometimes difficult to go back and see the changes–not so much in D.C. itself, but in the surrounding areas. It’s so built up, and so many trees are gone.
But the awful racist mascot remains. Sigh.
Okay, I just found you and so far, you are a lot of fun to read! I need someone fun to read! Can’t wait to read more. You go high up on my bloggers to check out on a regular basis! Mona
Thank you! I am sorry missed this comment for several days.Not every post is fun (there have been some heavy ones recently), but hopefully you at least have some snark to give you a chuckle.