I’ve occasionally written about how maddening it is to have a husband who is oblivious to things like dirt. Or ants. Or a rat under the house.
This seems to be a common theme among women. Partner doesn’t notice the things that need to be done, which enables partner to avoid doing the things. This move is often referred to as “weaponized incompetence,” although I like the rebrand of “strategic laziness” better. Or maybe “strategic blindness,” which often pairs with “selective hearing.”
It’s frustrating when you’re the person who notices anything out of place—and you can’t do anything about it because you’re injured.
Me: “If the tendonosis in my arm and my knee injuries didn’t hurt so much today, I could have vacuumed up all the dead ants in the bathroom.”
Andy: “There are dead ants in the bathroom?”
Me: “Yes. Cuz we sprayed?”
Andy: “Really? I didn’t see any.”
Me: “You literally had to step over them to take your shower.”
Exhibit A:
I can never decide why so many men don’t see the things that need to be done. Did male and female brains evolve differently, perhaps because only the observant mothers in the jungle who noticed the poisonous creature had surviving offspring? Or is it societal, where the patriarchy only punishes women for not cleaning up messes?
And do men not notice all details, or are they unconsciously—or possibly VERY CONSCIOUSLY—selective?
I’d like to say they are selectively obtuse, but my hair stylist once cut off more than 12 inches of my hair; Andy didn’t notice until all our friends complimented my new look.
More recently, there was our clock:
For one of our anniversaries, I gave Andy a crystal and mirrored glass clock. It sat on our sideboard, where we could see it while watching TV or hanging out in the living room. It was invaluable when counting down to bedtime or calculating our son Dalton’s various pick up/drop off times for school, sports, and all other activities.
I looked at that clock multiple times a day for nearly a decade. I figured Andy did, too. Especially since the cat liked to knock it over with a loud THUNK when she was hungry. (The cat was always hungry.)
Recently the clock stopped working consistently (possibly due to years of thunking). Sometimes it would keep time after I changed the battery. Sometimes it wouldn’t. I pointed this out to Andy, saying, “Honey, the clock is having issues. If only there was, I dunno, an engineer who could look at it.”
Andy did not take that hint, nor any of the others I dropped over the next month. I gave up and found another clock online on sale—this one twice as big and three times heavier. It arrived while Andy was at work. I set it up, put the old clock in the garage, and waited for him to notice.
The cat noticed right away. There was angry tail lashing when the new clock proved unthunkable, but cat moved on (i.e., attacked a nearby picture).
It’s been weeks since I replaced the old clock.
The new clock works.
Our framed photo of Dalton is now battered and covered in feline teeth marks, but the new clock has yet to be knocked over.
And Andy?
He still hasn’t noticed.
Update: Andy read my post and insists that he “noticed the clock last week and just didn’t say anything.”
To which I respond, “Okay, Jan.”
My husband is the same way. He’ll say, “Is that new?” six months after the item has been in place. Haircuts? Never. I swear I could come home bald and he wouldn’t notice. It makes you wonder if the cluelessness extends beyond the house….
It must. How else to explain the 55% who voted for someone taking away their rights?
I have no explanation for that…
Hilarious. Something with their wiring for sure. 😛
I think it’s probably both wiring and societal. However, the one UC study about how women are held to a higher standard/punished when an issue isn’t handled was pretty telling about the biggest factor.
Definitely a male trait. We had a box of wood pieces in the garage since we moved here (4-1/2 years). I asked him to get rid of it back then but he wanted to give it to a friend to burn in his fireplace. This summer I put it in the trash. He didn’t notice it was missing. He had seen his friend in the 4-1/2 years but never remembered. When he realizes it (if he ever does), I’ll tell him he gave it to his friend years ago. Don’t get me started on dustballs!
LOL. Classic. Andy is so bad at remembering while I am an elephant. I’ve told him I should just start rewriting history and making stuff up. He would never know.
I’m struggling to type my response because I’m laughing. TBH, I’m laughing because otherwise I could cry. Fortunately Himself isn’t too bad, while my ex was truly appalling.
My sister was so surprised to discover that I’ve downgraded my standards in recent years – principally because of getting old and injured – but also because I decided to be a lot pickier about what I gave a damn about when the men in the world find them easy to ignore. That said, my life was never better than those months when I had a lovely cleaner, until our local pub stole her away to work behind their bar. I’m still looking for her replacement…
It’s just so crazy to me that men don’t see what I see. It’s like when I heard that some people don’t have an internal monologue. How is that even possible?
However, after reading my post, Andy pulled out the vacuum last night. Of course he started vacuuming the dining room instead of the dead ants in the bathroom…
Oh yeah, now that is something Himself can be guilty of – doing things, just not the stuff which is highest up my list…
Andy and I have very different priorities and of course mine are better LOL
Always 🙂
And yet, if there’s an attractive woman within a mile, they sure as hell notice HER.
Ugh. MEN, amirite?!
I suspect it’s a matter of men only noticing that which they believe pertains to them. But undoubtedly Tara chose you because you are more perceptive.
I try!
But does Tara think you succeed? That’s the most important thing. Tara could also be way more chill about mess than me. My friend JM is the messiest and her husband is the same and so there’s no issue.
We have a very interesting dynamic. I hate messiness and she hates dirtiness. I’ve learned there’s a big difference between the two. She won’t hesitate to leave unwashed dishes piled in the sink for two or three days, while that makes me cringe. On the other hand, she’ll wash the towels twice a week and clean behind the stove knobs – things that would never cross MY mind.
But…aren’t unwashed dishes dirty? Or is it that she doesn’t mind clutter? I like things put away neatly as well as a house being clean. Meanwhile Andy leaves bags on the counter as well as just not seeing dirt.
You’re right, they are. It’s more a clutter thing for sure.
See, even thousands of miles away, I’m gonna nag about the sink.
When my first daughter got married, they decided to share the cooking and cleaning. The trouble was, when it was his turn to clean, he insisted it looked good enough to him. And turns out, he wasn’t a very good cook. She was frustrated for a while. Then she just gave up.
Second son-in-law is a handy engineer, and he does quite a bit of work around the house. But he works hard at his job and comes home tired. I feel sorry for him. His wife (my 3rd daughter) likes everything neat and clean, and she always has ideas for new projects.
So did your first daughter opt for take out and a cleaning lady? Or did she take over the majority of the domestic labor because she was “so much better at it?” I am not a good cook, but I worked on those skills (and finding recipes that played to my strengths) when needed in our household.
Husbands are clueless about so much of this. Last evening during dinner, I said that we needed to run the dishwasher since we were running out of pet dishes. I had to leave to take Gracie to a pet therapy appointment. When I got home was the dishwasher started?? Of course not.
Selective hearing, ugh! One of my least favorite characteristics. A lot of women have pointed out that the “nagging wife” stereotype exists because men don’t listen the first time.
“CONSCIOUSLY—selective” That is what it amounts to with my husband.
As I understand it he believes if he notices something then he has to do something about that which he noticed. The noticed thing could be a possible problem which could lead to him needing to find a solution to this possible problem. Thus he ignores most things, problematic or not, until brought to his attention.
How many times do you bring it to ZD’s attention before you start throwing things?
Excellent question. Overall Z-D is a good guy, but he knows he slips into stereotypical male behavior ccasionally. I’m not one for being passive so I call him out.
It’s so frustrating to be constantly reminding the spouse about something, but I’ve seen marriages dissolve after the woman just gives up. And inevitably the husband is all, “The divorce came outta nowhere!”
There’s a post somewhere titled “She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink.”
Sure, Jan. It was definitely the dishes.
It’s actually a pretty good read because he eventually realized it wasn’t about the dishes at all.
It never is.
Right?
lololol
I failed to comment on this earlier when we were on our road trip. Kenn and I are the same. I’ll comment or ask him about something and he’ll swear he hasn’t seen it.
My biggest “ugh” was many years ago when we still got actual newspapers. The rule was simple: when you’re done with the paper, put in the recycle bin. Kenn would forget and I was doing it for him. I finally decided to see how long it would take him to “see” the stack of papers and move them. I caved after three weeks when we had a stack of papers over a foot deep ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE. Kenn just shrugged and said he hadn’t noticed – in spite of eating dinner next to the stack every night.♀️
OMG. How did you avoid putting newspapers on him when he slept? Or crumpling them up in his shoes? Maddening, I tell you. MADDENING.