There is only one reason I would ever run for President.
My platform would literally have a single plank in it.
This is my whole speech:
“My fellow Americans, I swear to abolish the worst practice the United States has adopted during the modern era—the one responsible for at least a 6% increase in traffic accidents and workplace accidents, an 8% increase in strokes, and a 24% increase in heart attacks. The practice that annually and negatively impacts the mental health of all our students and their test scores.
If elected, I promise to end Daylight Saving Time immediately!”
Yeah. I hate Daylight Saving Time that much.
I hate getting up in the dark. I hate walking the dogs in the dark. I hate taking spider webs—sometimes with the spiders STILL IN THEM—in the face while walking in the dark.
Getting up at 5 AM is not unreasonable. It might be a little early, but most of the year, it’s around sunrise (unless you live in Greenland or Antarctica).
During DST, getting up at 5 AM is like getting up at FOUR FUCKING AM. That is not reasonable. No other diurnal mammal gets up that early. Even the chipper AF squirrels are still sleeping, okay?
Getting up at 4 AM messes with your circadian rhythm. Screwing with your circadian rhythm leads to depression, obesity, and diabetes.
After Presidents Wilson and Franklin D. Roosevelt instituted DST during their respective wars, most states recoiled and said, “Fuck you very much, NO.” They happily went back to sleeping until 5 AM with the squirrels.
It wasn’t until President Nixon (the most corrupt, anti-science President until Donald Trump) that our national nightmare returned to plague us (unless you lived in Arizona, Hawaii, or Indiana). Initially, a permanent DST was enacted, with supporters touting savings on energy spending.
Then Americans started taking spider webs to the face, crashing cars, and feeling miserable. They also bought MORE gas. DST was quickly limited to spring and summer months.
Earlier this year, another anti-science Republican attempted to make us permanently miserable. Senator Marco Rubio introduced the so-called “Sunshine Conservation Act,” which sounds like it would be a progressive piece of legislation promoting solar farms, but haha, no, of course not. It was a bill to make Daylight Saving Time permanent, even though more Americans prefer year-round Standard Time.
The bill failed.
Hopefully Marco Rubio’s re-election bid fails next year as well, because the man plans on running for President again one day. Like his senatorial platform, Rubio’s presidential platform will be anti-mask, anti-environment, anti-gun control, forced-birth, and, in case you didn’t already see him as a monster…
He’ll promise to make Daylight Savings Time permanent.
Please donate to his opponent, Val Demmings.