Valentine’s Day: BC vs. AD (#276)

I titled this post “Valentine’s Day” because it’s the season, but really? Valentine’s Day is a euphemism for sex. Romance, too, but mainly sex.

In our house, BC stands for “Before Children.” Back during Valentine’s Day BC, my husband snuck home from work for “nooners.” We had sex whenever we wanted, but there was always guaranteed sex on Valentine’s Day, his birthday, and our anniversary.

AD stands for “After Dalton,” our son.  Valentine’s Day AD? Bahahahaha.

I learned from sisters and mom friends that’s normal. If you’re a halfway decent mom, sex and romance disappear after kids.

It’s not because you didn’t try. Wait, let me rephrase. It’s not because you didn’t want to try.

Okay, maybe it is because you didn’t want to try. But trying for sex was way down on the list, after trying to eat, sleep, shower, or maybe just having five minutes to yourself in the bathroom (to fall asleep on the toilet, yes, I did that, don’t judge unless you also had a kid that didn’t nap).

Your husband, on the other hand, still wants to try for sex. Maybe it’s because sex is more important to men. Or maybe it’s because a) he’s not the light sleeper breastfeeding at 3-4 AM and b) he can close the door to his office at work and nap.

I couldn’t even close the door to the bathroom without having a kid, a dog, a cat OR ALL THREE open it.

Childcare, household chores, and errand running (which Moms spend all waking hours constantly recalculating due to noroviruses or hand-foot-and-mouth or doggie diarrhea or geriatric feline illnesses) take a toll.  Sex becomes one more thing a mom has to find time to fit in, especially when there is no helpful local relative to watch your kid for a weekend. Or even an hour.

But guess who gets cranky when they don’t get sex? Husbands (or my girlfriend JM, because, yes, not everyone fits into the same mold). Aside from JM, I don’t know any Mom who hasn’t done the following calculations:

      1. Is time spent + resentment greater than, less than, or equal to putting my husband in a better mood so he’s not an asshole a better dad?
      2. When the hell can we fit sex in?

With a non-napping kid who gets up before 5 AM, sex at night was tough. I was asleep within seconds of climbing into bed. My husband was smart enough to run a calculation of his own:

  • If I wake up a sleep-deprived mom, is she more likely to a) fuck me…or b) fuck me up?

(The answer is ALWAYS B. Unless you’re married to JM.)

Eventually, we gave up on spontaneity. We scheduled sex in advance for mornings when we had a babysitter or preschool.

It wasn’t as often as my husband wanted, but at least we stayed awake. Andy still hinted at holiday/ birthday sex, though. He’d still occasionally nudge me at night.

Until I got cross with him and told him there would be no unscheduled sex until HE did something for ME.

(I’ll give you a second to click on the link above and refresh your memory on the exact—and G-rated!—details.)

My husband stayed strong. Despite Baby D’s constant badgering and my “no extra sex until we get a cat” policy, Andy refused to even consider a cat.

Our anniversary passed without sex.

So did his birthday.

New Year’s Eve, too.

I said nothing.

Andy said nothing.

Baby D said nothing but: “I want a cat for Christmas!” “I want a cat for my birthday!” “I want a cat to be my Valentine! I want a WHITE cat!”

One week into February, Andy caved.

“Fine, but just ONE cat, okay?” he insisted. “And I want an orange cat, so unless you can find an orange and white cat to satisfy both me and Baby D that can also cope with two big dogs…” Andy trailed off with a checkmate kind of smile, because orange cats aren’t as common as other cats. And cats who like dogs? Even less common.

I smiled back and said, “I already found a rescue cat who is orange, white, and black. She loves dogs and hates other cats and we can meet her this weekend.”

“Yay!” rejoiced Baby D. “We’re getting a cat! For Valentine’s Day!”

“I hope that’s not all we’re getting,” Andy whispered.

“There might be something special after Baby D goes to bed,” I whispered back.

“Yay!” yelled Andy. “We’re getting…a cat for Valentine’s Day!”

Published by

Autumn Ashbough

WF writing about the humorous perils of life with Chinese-American significant other.

16 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day: BC vs. AD (#276)”

  1. In my book, I would definitely take a cat over sex, haha!

    I can’t even imagine having time for sex after kids… Kudos to you and Andy for trying to schedule it in.

    My husband also wants an orange cat (the husband similarities are frightening!)… Most orange (tabby) cats are male, and I heard males tend to spray everywhere? I’m a bit worried on that front, but I heard it depends on how well you train the cat.

    If my husband got me a cat for Valentines Day, I would just die of happiness. Frequent sex months on end for sure. Fat chance, though.

    1. My male Commando Cat didn’t spray a bit. But he was rescued as a kitten in a box outside a Burger King. If you get a young cat, there shouldn’t be any issues.

      There are more male tiger cats, but you can find a few females.

      Really, though, you guys should get 2 cats so they aren’t lonely (i.e., they beat up on each other instead of the furniture). Until they’re older and have geriatric issues, cats are very easy.

      I hope your husband does the right thing tomorrow!!!

  2. I present the following dialog without comment:

    “Honey, do you mind if I get a cat? My friend is trying to place kittens from a little.”

    “Sure! I like cats. Cats are cool. It would be nice to have a pet once we move in together.”

    “Good. I’m glad you want to, because I’m getting the cat anyway.

    Okay, one comment. It’s almost eight years later, and she still rules our world.

  3. Hahahaha… Autumn, you really hit the nail on the head, re: sex after kids. Lol. Fabulous that you held out for this beauty! I’m glad Andy came to his senses.

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