There’s plenty of whining on social media.
My favorite GOP whine, which I find hilarious as a former Washingtonian, comes from current Trump/ Republican staffers in D.C. The Trumpers complained that they are harassed and ostracized by locals; instead of touting their proximity to power as Obama staffers did, they vaguely mumble about working for the government when asked about their jobs. (I love you, D.C.!)
A similarly entertaining whine comes from the 62% of white American males who voted for Trump: women hate them. Women won’t date them. Women will actually ditch them in the middle of a date, upon learning that they are GOP supporters. Women have divorced husbands who voted for Trump.
Meanwhile, on Twitter and Instagram, my fellow white women are also whining, especially those who are college-educated and have advanced degrees. It’s apparently quite hard to find a white partner who is educated, motivated, unthreatened by a woman’s success, shares domestic chores, and doesn’t cheat.
That squares with what I remember back when I was dating.
It also squares with what I’ve heard from other Mom-friends at book clubs or playdates: their white husbands suck.
Take Nurse Mom, who supported her wanna-be restauranteur husband through at least three failed business ventures while having three children. Her white husband does no childcare and thinks nothing of dropping his dirty clothes right next to the hamper. Not only is he not doing laundry, he can’t even be bothered drop his clothes six inches to the right, into the actual hamper.
There’s Marketing Mom, with two children, insane work hours, and husband who was supposedly a contractor. Or a chef. Only he did neither of those things. She cooked and payed for childcare while he was working out with friends. Also, he’s been remodeling their house for four years. It’s not done.
Cop Mom managed all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare while working full-time for the LAPD. Her LAPD husband ditched her and the kids every weekend to watch sports in either Vegas or at the Elk’s Lodge. And of course he thought they should have a 3rd kid, because it wouldn’t impact his life at all. (I thought she should take his gun and shoot him.)
I could add horror stories about the husbands of Dr. Mom, Teacher Mom, Yoga Mom, Realtor Mom, or Screenwriter Mom. Some of these moms have since divorced and are so much happier. Some are just waiting for their kids to leave the house so they can bolt, too. Some —okay, ONE—is still convinced her husband is fabulous.
Every single one of these women expressed envy and amazement when they learned that my Chinese-American husband:
- Handled 80% of the marketing and cooking.
- Changed 80% of the diapers when he was home.
- Took care of his own child and pets when his wife had plans/ conferences/ needed a girl’s weekend away.
“You’re so lucky,” these wives of white men would marvel.
Initially, I would agree with them (and sometimes pour salt in their wounds by telling them Andy can also dance and is handy around the house).
But eventually, it got old.
The last time Cop Mom bitched about her do-nothing husband and how lucky I was to have Andy, I went off.
“Luck has nothing to do with it,” I snarled. “I’m smart. Smart enough not to limit myself to the white man dating scene, which is literally littered with entitled misogynists who think they’re God’s gift. Instead, I found the son of immigrants whose parents worked hard and expected him to do the same. His mother didn’t pick up after him–she was busy working. His father didn’t raise him to think he was entitled to a good job or hot women. Andy spent the weekends doing chores until he got a job and he worked his way through college and grad school. And then he worked on himself and worked out and learned to cook and dance. So you’d better believe that when I meet a guy like that, who laughs at my jokes and thinks I’m amazing, I’m hanging on to him. I’m only lucky that I met him. Everything else is because I’m SMART!”
I may have yelled that last sentence because Cop Mom was backing hurriedly out of the room. Too much truth is hard for some people. (Especially cops, but that’s another post.)
I know various readers are going to argue that they know/ are married to decent white guys. Like my friend JM (yes, JM, your husband didn’t make the “Shitty Men in Hollywood List,” and he cooks, I know, he’s a keeper). For those insisting that there are some hard working white men who treat women well out there, you aren’t wrong. Of the 1/3 of them that didn’t vote for Trump, maybe 1/3 of them will cook. Maybe another third will handle childcare and do dishes and MAYBE 1/3 of those men aren’t gay.
The numbers are not in your favor, my fellow American white women.
But kudos to all of you who’ve kicked a misogynist, racist Trump voter to the curb.
Next up, find yourself an immigrant, or the son of immigrants. Or at least a person with some melanin, for chrissakes. They’re less likely to support Trump. They’re increasingly likely to be educated, whereas white men are not. They haven’t been raised by Moms, Dads, and American media to think that the sun shines out of their white ass.
And in the immortal words of Lin Manuel Miranda:
Cop Mom eventually filed for divorce. Last I heard, she was dating a Latino.
Ohhhh you are SO right. So sick of the entitled, lazy, selfish, spoiled white guy. Yes, I am kicking my Trump-supporting, equally narcissistic husband to the curb. I have to wait, for certain reasons, but the end game is already in play. Trump supporters? That’s a deal-breaker for any kind of relationship. We have NOTHING in common.
Right? It boggles the mind that a woman would be okay with men who are okay with sexual abuse and rape. Not to mention racism and cruelty to children.
Also, you go girl! With you all the way.
Thanks…
Women need to consolidate, and flex our political power, and defeat this current dysfunctional, cruel, amoral regime.
With any luck, women will get behind the Democratic nominee, whomever she may be. (Looking at you, Susan Sarandon.)
Something else to remember is that these guys were raised by women who allowed this. To mothers everywhere — the world doesn’t revolve around your child. He is not the best thing since sliced bread and good grief teach him how to do things! My parents were first generation children of immigrants and they worked their ass off to make sure we had a things they didn’t. However, even my brothers learned all the life skills. There were no gender-directed chores.
This is a good point. My son is learning to vacuum, fold laundry, and clean bathrooms.
I read about generational cycles of wealth, and how the first generation makes the money, the second generation maintains the money because they saw the struggle, and the third generation loses it.
That one husband who couldn’t even put his clothes in the hamper? He came from a wealthy family and had a maid. RED FLAG!!
Definite red flag unless the marriage comes with the maid.
My Chinese husband talked about that same generational cycle, not from something he’d read but from what he and his father had seen among weathy Chinese.
I’ve decided that all men, regardless of race, are way too much work for me.
They are all kinds of work. And I’m seeing all these studies about how married men are happier, but married women–especially over 40–aren’t. Because so much of our energy goes into making them happy.
Maybe cats and girlfriends are the way to go.
Yes
My Chinese husband was exceptional. (I fear he made me a little bit lazy.) But then, my white father was exceptional too. They both grew up in difficult circumstances. My husband grew up with maids, but he also lived through Japanese occupation. Plus, he had an unreliable mother with mental health problems, so he took on a lot of responsibility for himself and his younger siblings. My dad … well, that’s another long story.
I hate to count out white men. I know some good ones. There must be lots more.
There are good white men. I know at least 4?
Ha I had to laugh so much reading this as it sounds like 80% of all the husbands we know from my wife’s friends (none of my close friends are married except one who did same time as his wife their PhD this year and are working now at Berkley, both are super smart and I have no clue at all how their household is managed, but as I know him for so many years he is a hands on person as he always helped at least back at his parents or when visiting others).
Anywho, here in our household I do the majority of the cleaning and I am doing alone the laundry (dont even think my wife knows how to operate the laundry machine…). However I can’t cook at all except a handful of dishes I practiced when still living alone during my Uni years. I do all of this as my wife is most of the times busy with annoying customers asking very stupid questions (should do a blog post about their insanities) so I try to take care of the household. When she wants to meet with some friends I take care of our two demons and vice versa, but as we are both such exceptional outgoing humans that barely happens (just too lazy to go anywhere in our free time, just try to relax for a while).
Coming to our friends it is another story, most husbands don’t do anything household related. They either are playing whole day console games when they come back from work our go out meeting their friends, leaving the wife with the kids. Yeah happily married people, especially the ones we have back in China who frequently cheat on each other but that is another story entirely again.
I don’t think it is even my upbringing as my mother is always saying the wife should do all the housework whileas my dad says it doesnt matter at all as work needs to be done so it doesnt matter who brings in the coin as long as the other does the household. Strange enough coming from my dad to be so open minded with this “modern” idea as he comes from an entirely different age being born back during WWII.
Is cheating standard in China? Or at least less stigmatized?
When you have exhausting jobs /children, mustering the energy to go out is tough. Also, you know they’re gonna wake you up at 5.
Seems like you and you wife have a good partnership!
Well lets say it is not a standard but I know no married couple personally without such stories. An acquintance from Germany was living many years in China married to a Chinese guy. They had two kids and at one point she realized he was cheating on her regularly. His “girls for fun” her brother-in-law organized always at the company they owned. In the end not even the family tried to help her but they were all against her. Her MIL even stating something along the lines that a man has his urges which a woman after two children can’t satisfy anymore so she should not complain. After that she moved to Germany with the two kids in secret…
I’d say our partnership works pretty well as we never really have any big issues. Usually everything is resolved after half hour as those arguments were anyways about something useless. perhaps we also reached a state were we just dont give a damn anymore and just want to have our life “organized” as good as possible
“Girls for fun?” How very last millennia.
Yeah, guess they had it bit “old fashioned” there. But so weird that even the mother of the cheating guy defended his behaviour, cant see anything normal there
Wow.
Another one of my favorite piece! Do teach men to do house chores, important life skills and personal finances. Refrain from overindulging them. They need TOUGH LOVE to grow up into competent and decent human beings.
And that women are not objects to which they are entitled.
When did you meet my dad? 😉 I don’t recall seeing you anywhere…two white men I know that are/we’re good, is my sister’s husband and my grandfather, may Gd rest his soul.
LOL, sadly, it’s endemic. But there are always exceptions.
This is so well-written, and your rant to Cop Mum was ace. Being smart means being open-minded, and I guess Andy also saw that side of yourself too 😛 Those who are raised well are those who will help without being asked be it outside or at home.
Aw, thank you, Mabel.
So often women of whom more is expected growing up, such as more domestic chores, usually without being asked. At least in most families I know. Wasn’t it true your brother was held to lower standards of both help and good behavior in your house? What’s he like now?
My Big Brother was expected to help, but he wasn’t expected to put others first the way my sisters and I were. And Baby Brother was raised by my Ex-Stepfather’s Southern Wife — he was given far less criticism than his younger sister. Both my brothers are far less proactive when it comes to childcare, cooking, and cleaning than their wives.
I think you are on to something there – women are expected to do chores without asking. The thought should be, we all mess up so let’s all pick up after ourselves.
Coming from a Chinese family, my brother was never expected to do any chores. Never did when we shared a place together. As far as I know now on his own, he doesn’t really do chores unless he needs like, say a clean plate. The opposite of Andy really. Most men in my circle are fortunately not like my brother but more like Andy.
Andy did more cleaning when I wasn’t around, I think. Or maybe I just see more dirt.
How have you been? Busy with the kid starting school? Is time for him to step in his daddy’s shoes and do his part around the house, because mommy has a lot of fans counting the days until the next post. If I lived in your area, I’d volunteer changing the cat littler or whatever boring chores keeps you from writing. ✍️
Oh, damn. Getting called out (in the nicest possible way). Better get back to work on next post. I think I’m trying to figure out what should be next. I think I’ve started 3 and discarded them, opting to work on the YA Fantasy novel rewrite instead. What would you like next? The “Wakeful Child?” The latest Labor Day cooking battle on the block? West vs. East: Parenting Differences? Devil’s Bargain: Newborn Edition? Size matters: the Wading Pool Edition?
Or Dogs vs. Cats vs. Newborn?
Oh… this is super fun!!
West vs. East
Dogs vs. cats vs. Newborn
I love your posts about food, but ideally you’d first give the recipe and then you share the post on the following Sunday so that I have time to prepare the same cake and read the story without salivating helplessly.
Ha, most of Andy’s recipes are in his head, but I will try. 🙂
Here, I’ll give you a head start on the recipes in the upcoming cooking post: Maple Cream Pie and Cream Cheese Fruit Pie