Me Neither (#75)

When will the bride and groom get to enjoy some of their own wedding cuisine in peace?
When will the bride and groom get to enjoy some of their own wedding cuisine in peace? When pigs fly, of course.

Married persons —

Do you remember all the lovely food at your wedding? The cuisine that you carefully selected in advance? The hors d’oeuvres of bacon-wrapped scallops, chicken satay, or asparagus goat cheese brioche? Can you recall the taste of the prime rib, or the mushroom ravioli?

Yeah, me neither. Continue reading Me Neither (#75)

Rain (#71)

Red sky at morning, sailor take warning...
Red sky at morning, sailor take warning…

By the time I was twenty-five, my family called me “The Rain Goddess.”

Every outdoor birthday party? Rain.

My senior Beach Week? Pouring rain.

Vacation in Hawaii? Slow-moving tropical depression (i.e., whole lotta rain). Continue reading Rain (#71)

Drunk Brothers & God: The Wedding Rehearsal (#69)

Gazebo WolfeboroIt was the evening before my wedding. My Chinese-American fiancé and I had made the mistake of having an open bar at our rehearsal dinner. Despite Andy’s best efforts, most of our wedding party got trashed. The worst offenders were our brothers. My Big Brother, former Naval Officer, had conned my twenty-one-year-old Baby Brother into attempting to match his alcohol consumption. And while Andy’s little brother Denny had thankfully been cut off early by the bartender, he’d still downed too many shots.

As of 8 PM, Team Navy was still underway at full speed, Team China was barely afloat, and Team 21 was sinking fast. Continue reading Drunk Brothers & God: The Wedding Rehearsal (#69)

Seven Rules for Your Wedding Rehearsal Dinner (#68)

When it came to our brothers, Andy and I were in the same boat. (Courtesy of the Winniepesaukee Belle.)
When it came to our brothers, Andy and I were in the same boat. (Courtesy of the Winnipesaukee Belle.)
  1. Don’t have a big rehearsal dinner/ party the night before the wedding.
  2. If you must disregard Rule #1, do not serve alcohol at the party the night before the wedding.
  3. If you must disregard Rule #1 AND #2, do not have a morning wedding.
  4. If you must disregard Rules #1, #2, AND #3 absolutely DO NOT have an open bar at the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.
  5. If you must disregard Rules #1, #2, #3, AND #4 make sure no members of your wedding party have recently turned 21.
  6. If you are seriously such a fool as to ignore Rules #1, #2, #3, #4, AND #5 there’s  no chance you’ll pay attention to this one, but I’ll give it to you anyway. For God’s sake, do not schedule your only wedding rehearsal with the minister AFTER the open bar at the party the night before your morning wedding.
  7. If you disregarded Rules 1-6, you are an idiot.

Continue reading Seven Rules for Your Wedding Rehearsal Dinner (#68)

Steaming (#66)

Wedding Dress

Lisa’s Bridal Shop made my wedding dress in Los Angeles. I got married in New Hampshire. The dress was too big to fit in a carry-on bag on the plane. As United Airlines once lost my suitcase and an entire collection of expensive suits that I wore to various film markets, I wasn’t about to put my precious (i.e., unbelievably expensive) dress in checked luggage. I arranged for Lisa’s to ship my dress, along with some of the bridesmaid dresses, directly to Patty’s Bridal & Tux Rental shop in Nowhere, New Hampshire.

I should have packed it and shipped it myself. Continue reading Steaming (#66)

Murphy’s Wedding (#57)

Sometimes, the bride feels like anything BUT a princess.
Sometimes, the bride feels like anything BUT a princess.

I couldn’t figure out why my wedding was so stressful until I compared it to making a movie.

If a wedding were a Hollywood movie, the bride would be the director, the producer, and the writer. She’s the costume designer, the casting director, and the location scout.

The bride is also the star.

The bride is so screwed. Continue reading Murphy’s Wedding (#57)

If Your Number’s Up (#56)

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About a month before I was to marry my Chinese-American fiancé, the first groomsman bailed. This was Andy’s friend from high school, nicknamed “Salad.” Despite the fact that we’d been at Salad’s wedding in Hawaii the previous year, Salad wilted in the face of his new wife’s worries over the lengthy flight from Hawaii to New Hampshire. I figured Baby Greens were on the way. Continue reading If Your Number’s Up (#56)

Andy Drives a Hard Bargain (#35)

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So…what is the difference between a payment and a gift?

When I met my Chinese-American fiancé, he already had a nice little townhouse near the beach in Los Angeles. He had a very nice muscle car. He’d clearly spent a lot of money on dance lessons.  After I met him, he spent even more money on dancing. He gave me expensive presents, including a platinum and diamond engagement ring. Until I met his parents, I had no idea he came from an exceptionally frugal family. Continue reading Andy Drives a Hard Bargain (#35)

Losing No Religion (#27)

IMG_3275The reaction of my Chinese-American fiancé’s parents to our wedding plans was muted. Literally. Because Andy turned off his phone. Continue reading Losing No Religion (#27)

Operation End Run (#26)

Lake Nowhere, NH
Lake Nowhere, New Hampshire, in autumn.

My Chinese-American boyfriend and I had been engaged 12 hours. His mother had already booked a church in Hawaii – never mind that I wanted to get married in New Hampshire. Sunny, however, refused to hear any plans that ran counter to hers.

Time for drastic measures. Continue reading Operation End Run (#26)