The Class President did nothing. Until May.
In May, the school threw a carnival-themed fundraiser. The Class President was responsible for getting a game from the slightly insane (and thoroughly terrifying) Glee Club Teacher. She had a closet that clearly had storage space in another dimension. The closet was the size of an average cloakroom (maybe 3′ x 15′) yet contained enough space for a hundred carnival games and props for multiple musicals. There were undoubtedly a dozen trans dimensional rats, nesting in tricorn hats. With the inevitable D.C. roaches.
After extracting a game from the vermin, the Class President was supposed to buy prizes and recruit volunteers to run the carnival game.
I ran for President in seventh grade. I lost to a pretty blonde boy that September. May came. The Terrifying Glee Club Teacher announced that every home room had collected their carnival game except one.
Mine, of course. I told Pretty President that he needed to get a game. He shrugged and did nothing.
So I got the game, braving the Terrifying Teacher and the Trans Dimensional Rodents and Roaches. I got the prizes, and I organized the volunteers. During the carnival, one of my classmates said, “Hey! Why didn’t we elect you President?”
I smiled and said, “Remember that next year.”
Next year, my class elected a more popular girl Class President.
Popular President was too busy passing notes to visit the Trans Dimensional closet when May arrived. Once again, I got the game, the prizes, and the volunteers. As we set up the clowns and baseballs, a classmate said, “Didn’t you do this last year? Why don’t we elect you class President?”
I said, “Because you’re idiots.”
They said, “Yeah,” and asked, “What were we thinking?”
I don’t know if they would have finally elected me in ninth grade.
Because I was fed up and I moved to Canada.
Nah, just kidding. I did move to another school, but it wasn’t in Canada. (In retrospect, Canada seems like a better choice than Virginia, though, Dad.)
So listen up, White Americans That Voted For Trump (which is unfortunately most of you). In case you missed all the subtleties of this post — and because I’m in need of an angry rant — let me be clear:
You are a bunch of willfully ignorant fucking middle schoolers. Blinded by hair, money, or other, even less relevant qualities, you were too stupid to pick the right person for the President, even though you benefitted from the excellent work she did on your behalf FOR YEARS.
Grow up. Please. The rest of us are stuck in the same school with you. And we’d really prefer that the building not explode because you clueless fucks didn’t bother paying attention in Science Class.
See you for high school midterms in two years.
I hope you’ve matured by then.