In honor of Father’s Day, I’ve compiled the following timeline for a few of the
worst best moments and realizations that my a Dad with too many children might have experienced. Here they are, in chronological order:
Finally being able to afford a three-story house, complete with a lovely oak bannister along the stairs.
Rejoicing as there is now enough space for your growing family (i.e., you can stop fights by putting each kid in solitary confinement).
Spending a weekend cementing the once-lovely bannister back into place after your horde of children have repeatedly ripped it off the staircase.
Watching the plaster and paint fall off the ceiling below the bunk beds every time a kid jumps off the top bunk.
Watching the bathtub water turn red after a kid falls (or was PUSHED) off the bunk bed and cracks her head on the radiator.
Being able to afford to hire TWO babysitters for DOUBLE the going rate.
Being unable to find babysitters brave enough to watch your kids despite offering double the going rate.
Getting an entire afternoon alone when your kids all work together on an “exciting project” in the backyard.
Having that afternoon interrupted by a well-meaning neighbor’s phone call: “So, Mr. Ashbough, do you know your kids dug a six-foot hole in the middle of your backyard? In possibly unrelated news, I can’t see the smallest girl anywhere anymore.”
Rescuing your youngest daughter at the bottom of a six-foot hole before her older siblings finish turning it into a “swimming pool.”
Sleeping in when an unexpected blizzard shuts down D.C., knowing that your delighted kids will be happily occupied for hours before they turn on each other.
Discovering your kids BROKE THE STORM DOOR forcing their way out of the house to play in the snowdrifts.
Discovering you will never make enough money to send your kids to college without going into extreme debt.
Dropping your high school children off at the mall and telling them not to come home without jobs.
Discovering that they actually found jobs.
Discovering that your son is accepted into the Naval Academy.
Dropping your son off at USNA and thinking, “He’s never going to make it.”
Getting a postcard from your son that reads: “Dear Dad, I am oppressed, depressed, and fatigued. Please send food,” and knowing that he IS going to make it.
Finding out that Daughters #2, #3, and #4 got scholarships to college.
Finding out that Daughter #5 is pregnant by a convict and dropping out of college.
Watching your Last Daughter head to college.
Sending Daughter #5 money to go back to college.
Realizing all your kids have college degrees.
Sending one of your kids money for a new roof after squirrels ate the old one.
Realizing one day that all your kids have more advanced than degrees you do.
Realizing that none of your kids have asked for money in years.
Realizing that your kids now have more money than you do.
Realizing that none of them need you anymore.
Getting Father’s Day cards and calls from them anyway.