About five months before my wedding, my bridesmaids rebelled. Well, not all of them. Five of my bridesmaids were my sisters and half-sisters. My maid of honor and the other two bridesmaids were not related to me. They were my best girlfriends. Guess which group of bridesmaids revolted.
You’re right! It was my sisters. They hated the bridesmaid dresses.
My sisters didn’t mind the style, which was very similar to my wedding dress – two pieces, laced in the back, square neckline, flowing sleeves (that could be detached with Velcro), and floor length. Pretty Space Cadet Sister was even psyched that the style was perfect for her SCA/ Renaissance Fair hobbies.
It was the colors that they hated. I was getting married in the fall in New Hampshire, and I wanted the colors to be an autumn (ha, ha) palette. Reds, golds, yellows, oranges, etc.
I really didn’t think the colors were so awful. Not compared to some of the bridesmaid dresses I’d worn. The first time I was a bridesmaid, in a small southern town, my dress was made out of curtain fabric. Or sofa fabric, maybe. I’m not kidding. We’re talking the stiff, thick, unmistakable upholstery fabric. (On the plus side, ironing would never be necessary. Well, it wouldn’t have been necessary if I had ever worn the dress again.)
When one of the other bridesmaids asked what music would be playing during our processional, I sang a few bars of “Do-Re-Mi” from The Sound of Music. Two other bridesmaids were amused. The bride was not.
But as I walked down the aisle before the bride, I noticed several uniformed military officers in the pews. One was a Captain. He gave my dress a quizzical once over. Luckily, he didn’t say, “Are those CURTAINS?” I wouldn’t have been able to hold it together. As it was, all the pictures show me with a huge grin on my face. But hey, I wore the dress and I didn’t complain. I really wished I kept it to take a picture for this post, though.
I look terrible in red, but I’ve worn two red bridesmaid dresses, as well as purple, solid dark green, and of course, the curtains. I bought all the dresses and never complained. It wasn’t my day, it was the bride’s, it was my job to be helpful and make her life easier.
My sisters DID NOT share this viewpoint. Our conversations about dresses went something like this:
Brilliant Blonde Lawyer Sister: “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You want me to wear orange?”
Me (weakly): “But…autumn colors…please?”
Brilliant Blonde Lawyer Sister: “I’ll look awful. You’re trying to make me look awful. Why are you trying to make me look awful?”
Baby Singing Sister: “Oh my god, Autumn! Gold is so tacky!”
Boyfriend Stealing Baby Sister: “Why does Judgmental Genius Doctor Sister get dark green? I want dark green. I could be Fiona from Shrek this Halloween.”
Judgmental Genius Doctor Sister: “Dark green is mine. Autumn and I made a deal. It’s not my fault you guys weren’t smart enough to negotiate when she was trying to come up with eight bridesmaids.”
Pretty Space Cadet Sister: “Don’t worry, I’ll wear whatever you want. As long as I get the red dress.”
Me: “But M gets the red dress. It’s her thing.”
Pretty Space Cadet Sister: “Why can’t there be two red dresses? I’m the shortest.”
Me: “What does height have to do with dress color?!”
Brilliant Blonde Lawyer Sister: “Clearly, Autumn is trying to make us all look terrible. This way she will look prettier by comparison.”
Me: “I just wanted you to look like the gorgeous leaves on oaks and maples and sycamores!”
Judgmental Genius Doctor Sister: “Not me. I’m an evergreen, suckers.”
Of course I caved in the end. All eight dresses wound up being made of green velvet. I did have a talented friend make 8 necklaces and 8 sets of earrings out of orange, red, and yellow Swarovski crystals, however. And I did insist that all attendants show up hours early on the day of the wedding to get their hair put up exactly to my liking before the ceremony.
Because there’s a little Bridezilla in all of us.