Top 8 Reasons Why Top 10 Reasons Are Crap (#34)

Just one of Andy's grooming baskets.
Just one of Andy’s grooming baskets.

There are multiple “Top 10” lists currently floating around the internet about Asian Guys. Many of them — naturally — cite more than 10 reasons for dating an Asian male.  Some list sexy Asian male traits.  If you haven’t seen them, you can check out these three:

Buzzfeed                  The Love Blender                        Amped Asia

But here’s the thing — I’ve got an issue with one of the reasons that keeps showing up. Buzzfeed’s #10, to be exact. The one about how Asian men are awesome because of their smooth, nearly hairless skin. Don’t get me wrong.  Such a trait would definitely belong on a list.  The perks are obvious: buy fewer vacuum cleaner bags, spit out less hair during certain bedroom activities. That’s a partial definition of domestic bliss, right there.

No, I have another issue.

#10 IS A LIE.

Well, maybe not a complete lie, but it is not The Universal Truth presented in these Top Ten/ Twelve/ Seventeen Lists. As the fiancée of a Chinese-American guy (and complete authority on the subject in my own mind) I cannot let such an egregious falsehood stand uncontested. So I have made my own “Top 10 List.” Except I only made it to #8. (This is actually better than ten – “8” is considered an auspicious number in China.* I’m being thematic, not lazy.)

10 8 Reasons Why the Hairless Asian Stereotype Is Crap

  1. After Andy showers, the bathtub looks like a trio of German Shepherds partied there for a week.
  2. He’s spent $500 to pay plumbers to unclog said bathtub – just this year.
  3. The first time I saw Andy, he had a full beard.   I couldn’t even figure out his genetic makeup with his face hidden under all that hair. (Full disclosure: I thought he looked like a Middle Eastern terrorist. I was immediately intrigued. Why was a terrorist out swing dancing in LA? And, DAMN! Who taught him that syncopated footwork?)
  4. Andy can – and does — grow a beard during a vacation lasting more than three days.
  5. This ain’t no scruffy little soul patch or stringy goatee. Andy’s beard is so serious that the New Hampshire TSA agents ALWAYS pull him out of the line on the way home for a serious pat down. (Apparently I am not the only white person who is rubbish at racial profiling.)
  6. In his high school graduation picture, Andy has an Afro. (You’ve no idea how much I wish I could post that photo on my blog, anonymity be damned.)
  7. The cost of all the grooming products that Andy uses to keep his Afro in check could feed a rural village for a few weeks. (Pretty sure the “hair care” aisle is where Andy honed his couponing skills.)
  8. X-rated bedroom stuff involving me hair-balling like a cat. (I know, TMI, but I needed that 8th auspicious reason. I’m only sharing because ART.)

In short, people, do not be fooled. Dating an Asian guy is NOT a guarantee of lots of lovely, smooth, silky, hairless skin. And guess what? If there’s an exception for #10, there’s probably an exception for #1-9 and #11-17.

You’ll simply have to date lots of Asian guys – and lots of other guys – and figure out what you can live with, and what you can’t. There are no shortcuts.

But trust me, if a guy can cook like Andy (Buzzfeed’s #5), you won’t mind vacuuming the bathtub.

Updated on 4/11/15

Andy responded in the comments, but since some people have a hard time finding those, I updated this post to include:

 Andy’s Rebuttal

1. I didn’t know that was a thing…going for Asian males for smooth, nearly hairless skin.
2. For the 100th time, the problem with the plumbing is tree roots!
3. My beard was awesome.
4. See #3.
5. You would think traveling with a white girl would work. Also, see #3.
6. It’s not a ‘fro. It’s the prosperity perm, without the perm. Asians covet my hair, babe.
7. ummm…
8. Huh. Is that why we don’t do that anymore?  Bring me a razor!

 

*Andy says 8 became known as an auspicious number because “baht” or “eight” sounds like “faht” or “good” in Cantonese. You may remember that the Beijing Olympics started on 8/8/08. Andy’s mother remembered. Andy’s mother insisted on eight bridesmaids at our wedding.  Also eight groomsmen.  But that’s another post.

 

 

 

Published by

Autumn Ashbough

WF writing about the humorous perils of life with Chinese-American significant other.

25 thoughts on “Top 8 Reasons Why Top 10 Reasons Are Crap (#34)”

  1. Hilarious and a tad disgusting. I only have experience with one Chinese man and he’s, more or less, a hairless wonder. I love it! But I know some of my friends dig hairy guys. After reading your list, I definitely don’t see the appeal.

    BTW, the Beijing Olympics were on 08/08/08 with the opening ceremony starting at 8:08pm (if memory serves me correctly). That’s quintruply lucky.

  2. Nope, you are right! It was 2008…it just doesn’t seem like it was 7 years ago — those were the most amazing opening ceremonies ever. London was 2012. Thanks for catching the error. I fixed the post!

  3. 1. I didn’t know that was a thing…going for asian males for smooth, nearly hairless skin.
    2. For the 100th time, tree roots!
    3. My beard was awesome.
    4. See #3.
    5. You would think traveling with a white girl would work. Also, see #3.
    6. It’s not a ‘fro. It’s the prosperity perm, without the perm. Asians covet my hair, babe.
    7. ummm…
    8. Huh. Is that why we don’t do that anymore?

    1. Nope. He was from Fujian (Xiamen). He also had a Mongolian grandmother and another grandmother with some Spanish blood via the Philippines. Of course, all Chinese are 100% Han. Right?

  4. Aw man I wish Michael could grow a beard. I love men with facial hair but Michaels family is the group of Asian males that are pretty much hairless. He even cuts his hair to almost shaved because he’s balding :(. All other men in the family have that gorgeous thick Chinese hair though…sigh.

  5. Oh no long flowing locks. I dated a Sicilian, so I know scruff, I didn’t mind. I can’t do guys with girl length hair……skeeves me out a little. Like sweaty drippy hair touching me during the frisky times. My own gets in the way enough, don’t need to add to it lol

  6. Oh, God! This is both funny and a tad bit gross at the same time. But I think funny wins. xD

    If you don’t wanna pay the plumber, try using Mr. Muscles – a thing for unclogging. xDD All you have to do is to pour the granules into the bath tube/clogged area and then pour some hot water over. (Or you could search for the kind that works with cold water.)

  7. Haha my Chinese fiance is also very hairy – his mother claims it’s because she fed him too much dairy as a child. Go figure!

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